The Church of England has confirmed that the new Archbishop of Canterbury will be selected via public phone vote on a TV talent show hosted by Ant and Dec.
‘Bishops Got Talent will bring the Church of England into the 21st century,’ said executive producer Simon Cowell.
‘It’s high time people got to choose their Archbishop according to who can perform the best song and dance routine. I’m no theologian but I’m pretty sure it’s what Jesus would have wanted.’ Bishops from around the country will compete for the coveted title by performing in front of a panel of religious experts: Amanda Holden, Alesha Dixon and regular ‘grumpy judge’ Professor Richard Dawkins.
Poor performing bishops may be ‘buzzed off’ by the panel: each buzzer illuminating a holy cross above the bishop’s head. Three crosses in a row and the bishop will be forcibly dragged off stage by a giant crosier.
Favourites for the title include Archbishop of York Dr John Sentamu who will ride around on a unicycle while simultaneously attempting to cut up his dog collar and juggle a number of hot potatoes, including women bishops and gay marriage.