My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “Pick up, I know you’re there.” And she says the same thing back, “How’d you get this new number?”
Joan Rivers
“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.” #RIPJoanRivers pic.twitter.com/sv6gcWo0MJ
“I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon” Melissa Rivers. #RIPJoanRivers pic.twitter.com/7xysRP4VQT
— TEN Eyewitness News (@channeltennews) September 4, 2014
“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.” – Joan Rivers. #RIPJoanRivers — Mayowa (@Wana____) September 4, 2014
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.” #RIPJoanRivers #LGBT #ffback pic.twitter.com/l5NMbGm6U6
— Pink In Our Lives (@pinkinourlives) September 4, 2014
Her best one liners
“If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly”
“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds”
“I don’t exercise. If God wanted us to bend over, he’d put diamonds on the floor”“At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass”
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on”
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police”
“All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window”“Joan Collins told a reporter that she hadn’t had plastic surgery; come on… she’s had more tucks than a motel bed sheet”
“She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends”
“Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress”
“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, ‘Pick up, I know you’re there’”“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware”
“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property'”
“My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I’d visit him every day”
“Before we make love, my husband takes a painkiller”“I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry”
“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it is missing and what’s there stinks”
“My vagina is like Newark. Men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit”
“My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark”“I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs.’ He said, ‘Blue goes with everything'”
“Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty”
“Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television”
“No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card”