Boobs are massive this year on the red carpet. Think red carpet, think a giant pair of boobs so big they block out the sun.
Of course, I don’t mean the breasts themselves are physically large – heaven forfend a female celebrity should be larger than a B cup, as those things totally ruin your wardrobe and can make you look (shudder) fat. No, I mean breasts are the essential red carpet look this season. But it’s not enough just to have breasts, I’m afraid. Good heavens, no. You need to flash those puppies on the red carpet. Get ’em out for the lads, etc! But, you know, in a tasteful way.
The full 1970s cleavage is what I’m talking about here, with dresses and tops slashed down to a lady’s navel like bras were never invented. At the Golden Globes, Kate Hudson and Sienna Miller both wore dresses that appeared to be missing their entire front panel, while J-Lo – who pretty much anticipated this whole malarkey 15 years ago (now you feel old) when she wore a green bit of Versace patterned toilet paper to the Grammys that barely covered her modesty – wore a similar, “Why are you talking to my face? Don’t you see my boobs?” low-cut silver dress.
At the Baftas on Sunday, the pretty-much-perfect Julianne Moore wore a red Tom Ford dress with a full front slash, the divine Anne Marie Duff worea slightly odd Temperley dress that showed how Miss Havisham would have looked if she had gone for the full cleavage, while Reese Witherspoon gave the full cleavage in purple. Finally, at the Grammys, Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj and (unsurprisingly) Kim Kardashian went what the Daily Mail dubbed “extreme cleavage”, which sounds like a meteorological disaster. If two’s a coincidence and three’s a trend, nine is full on Primark sale-level mania.
This is big news here, people. Breast-flashing has moved 180 degrees around the aforementioned body part – never mind showing your outer-side boob (ugh, so 2014), now anyone who’s anyone is showing their inner boob. This is a full-on breast-u-lar revolution we’re witnessing, and that is at least a million times more important than the French revolution and the American revolution combined. I mean, was a Kardashian involved in either of those? Point definitively proved, methinks.
But, as ever, this column always drills down deep into the real issues, so we have to ask ourselves, what does this extreme cleavage trend mean? Well, as is increasingly the way when it comes to celebrity fashion trends, it is a status thing. I don’t mean status as in, “I have boobs. Haha,” as half the human race has those, but rather, “I am able to flash pretty much my entire boobs and still look classy.”