George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,
“You shouldn’t be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help,” he said.
So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.
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I went to see my doctor. “I’m a bedwetter, Doc,” I told him, sheepishly.
“Nothing to be ashamed of,” he reassured me. “A lot of people can’t control their bladder when they’re asleep.”
“I didn’t realise you had to be asleep …” I muttered.
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Martin Scorsese’s film “The Wolf of Wall Street” broke a record by using the word “F**k” or “F***ing” 506 times.
That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, “F**k off, you won’t bring it back.”