- I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
- I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster. - I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best Before End’
- I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue’.
‘I said ‘No, just a watch.’ - I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
- My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He’s bisatchel. - I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’
He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’