Home Secretary Theresa May today admitted that she had grave doubts about G4S’s ability to keep non-McDonald’s potato products from entering the Olympic Park during the Games.
‘It’s a nightmare scenario really,’ said May. ‘We’re potentially looking at multiple chip-related security breaches. We’ve already intercepted one man of Middle-Eastern appearance trying to smuggle in a one-kilo bag of McCain Low Fat Oven Fries, so who knows what else is out there.’
Experts say that if it had not been detected, the one-kilo bag could potentially have provided a family of six with a very generous portion of reasonably priced chips each. ‘The thought of it sends a shiver up my spine,’ said an unnamed McDonald’s executive.
G4S officials say they are frantically re-training their seven remaining guards on how to spot chips on the X-ray machines at stadium entrances, and have told them to pay particular attention to any children carrying hot-dogs or other chip-related ‘red flag’ foodstuffs.
In a further illustration of the threat posed by illegal chips, anti-terror police today raided a family home in Islington – just 5 miles from the Olympic Park – and discovered what they described as ‘a chip-making factory’.
‘We found deep-fryers, a freezer full of easy-cook frozen chips and packets of hash browns,’ said a police spokesman. ‘We also seized several bags of potatoes – the essential raw ingredient needed for the assembly of illegal chips. We have a slightly overweight family of five in custody for further questioning.’ Police suspect they may be linked to one of the big Irish potato cartels or could even be traced right back to South American growers.’
‘It’s a big discovery – we estimate 7-8 kilos of pure spud with a street value of up to £4.50.’