Laughter Spot : Tommy Cooper at his best

Tommy Cooper jokes

• A man walked into the doctor’s, he said ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’.

  The doctor said ‘well don’t go there any more’.

• I’m on a whiskey diet.
• Slept like a log last night …….. woke up in the fireplace.
• Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.
• I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got anything for wind?’
  So he gave me a kite.
• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

  Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
  You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
‘Can’t you ring your bell?’ She said. ‘I can ring my bell,’ I said ‘But I can’t ride my bike’

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn’t it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said ‘Do something religious’.
So I took up a collection.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
‘Would you please blow into this bag, Sir’.
I said: ‘What for, Officer?’
He says: ‘My chips are too hot’.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
‘I’d like to follow you to the nearest Police Station’.
I said ‘What For?’.
He said: ‘I’ve forgotten the way’.

So I said to the taxi driver, ‘King Arthur’s Close’. He said,
‘Don’t worry, we’ll lose him at the next set of lights’

A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I’ll have five pounds of kilos.

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.